As most of us know, coal is the end product of ancient decayed vegetation. As most likewise know, contemporary environmentalists contend that there is nothing more disgusting or unhealthy than ancient decayed plant life.
In fact, I suspect, that as local environmentalists take an autumn stroll through the colorful Appalachian mountains of Western Pennsylvania, their frightening jaunt will only help reinforce said supposition. Along the way, they’ll encounter alarming ghastly maple leaves, chestnuts, sassafras, pears, sunflowers, blackberries, apples, dandelions, and more.
In their collective effort to save mankind from the ravages of such decayed vegetation, particularly the ancient variety, the environmentalists have lobbied long and hard to shut down most of our local coal mines and coal-fired power plants. In their stead, Western Pennsylvania’s Indiana County is soon to enjoy the super clean energy supplied by the proposed Renewable Natural Gas Plant in Center Township. Once up and running, local citizens can begin to benefit from a cleaner and more sanitary energy source comprising cow manure and horse dung. And I have every confidence that as environmental science advances, we can expect, in the near future, to add rat droppings, skunk spray, road kill, and bat guano, to the pure and sanitary energy mix they foresee.
Future Western Pennsylvania generations will sit comfortably in their dung-heated homes and reminisce about uncultured grandpas long ago working in the once grimy and unhealthy coal industry. I envision that during a rather sedate and socially refined family evening, wife will no doubt turn to hubby and say: “Honey, it’s chilly in here! How about throwing another dog log on the fire.” He will respond by saying: “Sorry dear, but we’re out of dog doo-doo. However, I do have some weasel waste.”
Soon thereafter, they’ll retire for the night, secure in the knowledge they are well rid of the evils of ancient apples, sassafras, pears, sunflowers, chestnuts, dandelions, and blackberries—that which haunted and poisoned their ancestors. A new utopian paradise will be theirs to enjoy, owing to the pristine yet generous dung of others, and the hard work of the non-Pennsylvania contractors hired to build the manure-fixated facility.
Patrick W. McElhoes Pennsylvania